What it’s like to be a first generation student

A dozen applications deep with nothing more to say in my college essays and no more money to pay for the fees,  The process of applying to college felt like it was never going to end. My head was filled with confusion. Being indecisive was not helping me pick a college. I sat at my kitchen table wondering what was going to help me decide. I would scroll through websites, and Instagram hoping that something would stand out about one of the universities I applied to. Then I got a letter in the mail telling me KU had offered me a scholarship. That’s when everything was made clear to me. The scholarship told me I had potential at this school. My parents, who did not attend college, did not fully grasp the application process but when they saw I got a scholarship they knew I could not pass that up. 

When I was growing up, doing well in school was always just one of those things you had to do. There was no option for me to fail. Being a first-generation college student my parents always told me not going to college was not an option. There was always one set goal and all I had to do was get there and finish. Getting there was not always easy, Though I knew college was going to be expensive so I started to work as early as I could. I knew I needed a good resume and grades to receive any sort of scholarship. 

So I participated; student council president, sports, orchestra, honors society, several different jobs and more. My days in high school consisted of high-stress levels and never sitting down. I did this for that one set goal my family sought out for me. I wanted to go to college to show my parents I would be willing to earn the degree but also to set myself up for success. I saw how hard my parents worked to make it in their industries. Not having a college degree was a setback for them. They had to replace that degree with years of experience, and it was not until my sister and I got older that my parents could truly say they were financially stable. 

I saw what it was like to live check to check and try to raise a family. That was my life growing up. Scraping together the change jars to then run to the store and throw them all in the Coinstar hoping that those pennies would add up to at least $10. Being humbled as the coin machine would make loud noises in front of everyone at the local supermarket is a feeling I will never forget. It was moments like these that I can look back at now, laugh, and understand why they all taught me why my hard work paid off.

I overworked myself in high school but in my head, I did it to succeed at my education. When I got to college the workload was shocking but I knew I could take it on. In college, I did what I had done in high school. I joined everything – Greek life, Executive boards, campus jobs and more. I became a journalism ambassador but this time it was not for a set goal. It was to fulfill the feeling of not wasting my money.

Even though I got a scholarship I knew I would still have to take out student loans. A scholarship and 50,000 dollars in loans are the reason I can afford to sit here today. The workload is something I have never gotten used to, Partly because I just keep adding to it, and I have burned out several times during my four years. But I still overwork myself to the point of burnout because I want to prove to myself and my parents that I can make it in this world, that the loans I will be paying off forever actually got me somewhere and that the hard work and dedication my parents put into us didn’t go to waste. 

I have put a lot of pressure on myself with my education, but I do not regret it. This May I will be walking across the stage and will earn my degree. 

Living with parents who couldn’t go to college can be challenging. They pester me with questions, “What are you doing post-grad?” Are you going to get your masters?” When are you going to start paying for the loans?” I know questions like these come from love, but they sometimes feel suffocating when hearing them out loud. 

Truthfully, I could not answer any of these questions right now because I don’t know. Saying “I don’t know” is the number one thing I believe all college seniors need to know is okay. We do not need to know everything right now. I want to use my 20s to figure out the answers to these questions. My parents ask those questions not out of stress but because they know my potential and they want me to do better than they have. Are there days I choose not to answer the phone because I do not want to sit on a call talking about my future for an hour straight? Yes. But I am grateful for the pressure because I know it comes from a loving place. Because it has pushed me to succeed as a first-generation student.